Letting Go

I learned today something about myself which I never thought to be true. That I quit and gave up! Now hear me out before you say anything. Before I could move forward I had to give up on myself in order for me to see the real problem and take the steps to move for to begin again. It feels like shit, but yet it feels so fucking great!

I've hated myself for years and years, I've walked away from one good thing after another, only to be let down by myself. This past summer I chose to break that cycle and move forward with my life. Sure I'm not yet in with a counselor, but I do have a group to benefit from and in 2 days I will be on the medication I need to help try and clear my mind and push forward.

You see I've always been a fighter. The fact I'm still alive proves that. However for once in my life I have had to lay down my guns and let things run their course without my will power and I am doing that now. I had to admit to myself that I have a problem, no matter how much I hated doing it. I had to admit that the great and almighty Lori needed help. Help that is coming in funny ways, but I'm doing it on my own. I had to stop and see that I needed help no matter what my mind thought. I had to be jobless, homeless, foodless, senseless, (this could keep going), I had to sink to the lowest point in my life to see I needed help. Yes, even if it meant coming home to my mom to prove it. God love her for the shit she puts up from me.

A very wonderful, awesome THANK YOU goes out to my mom and my dear friend Larry. They have both stood by me when neither had a reason to! I love you both.