My Own Christmas Hell

Christmas day I called my dad and finally caught him at home. W talked for about 10 minutes, well I talked for 10 minutes. Then he started in on how my step-sister is losing her job, needs $500 a month liver injections, how my kid doesn't do a damn thing, and kept on complaining. He almost made it sound like I was only calling him to ask for money, which I was not doing by far. He got so irate at nothing that I didn't even bring up the fact he never calls me back when I make my weekly "try to reach him" calls. I was telling him about my counseling sessions and my individual therapy sessions and all he could do is ask me why I need counseling. Uhm HELLO, for the past 15 years your daughter has had Bipolar, remember! Guess I'm that forgetable. He wonder's why I date men his age. "I'm looking for acceptance from a father figure since you won't give it to me asshole!" That and older guys are much more cooler then men my age. LOL.I then told him about how I will be starting school January 11th, his reply, make sure you finish it this time. Not one word of any kind of encouragement in that phone conversation. But I know I'll be trying to reach him again on New Years Day, just because he is MY dad.

It hurts very badly that I so crave his acceptance and I can't get him to show one ounce of love towards me. Maybe I should sent him this blog just so he can see what our relationship does to me. I'll never have the balls, never. Nor will I ever stand up to him in person or by writing a letter to him. No matter how much I want him to feel what I'm feeling. The man that took over as my Dad is long gone, I miss him every moment. That was my grandfather. There was a man who came close to grampy, but as usual, I fucked that up.

My son didn't want to talk to me because he was with his father's family. To me that shouldn't matter, but I guess it does to him. All I wanted to do was tell him Merry Christmas, I love him, and ask him how he was doing. He instead said "I'll call you back mom, I got your cash and card," and then just hung up on me. My Grammy gave me a $50.00 for Christmas, I sent it to my son since I knew he would be disappointed if he didn't get anything from me.

All the hard work on myself that I have been doing, down the drain. Negetivity has reentered my mind. Here I was so fucking proud of all the positive engery that I had been experincing, only to have it go to hell in less then hour. Who cares I had nothing to give my mom, who cares that I sent my last buck to my kid and am broke, who cares I can't get my medicine anymore, all these things were not even bothering me when I woke up Christmas morning. Until I started calling my family. Then I felt like the biggest piece of shit on earth. The funny thing is that I don't hold it against them for making me feel that way, but I hold it against me for feeling that way. The first thought after each call was: "what did I do wrong". I came down hard on myself and needless to say, I have the marks to prove it.

For the first time in many years, I actually thought about suicide.