As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Friday, December 18, 2009


I am sitting here drinking a cup of Spiced Gingerbread Decaffinated Tea and all I want to do is write. Wait a minute, did I just say decaffinated? Holy Hell, no wonder I can't function in the damn morning. LOL. No in all actualaulity I am a morning person. I'm just not functioning due to these damn psych medicines. Can I blame everything on the psych medicine now? Can I can I?

Ok so like I said, all I want to do is write today. I have 3 topics off the top of my head that I want to discuss and BAM, they are gone, as are the parts I had written out in my mind. Now at this point aren't I supposed to be using some of that DBT Group stuff to get my mind back on track? Sure I am, but guess what, I don't remember any of it. SO how does that work again? Oh yea, it doesn't! LOL

Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation

But no, I am side tracked AGAIN! Everyday I look up and shout, "why me lord". This time last year, my world was 95% perfect. This year it's 95% hell. How could things go so wrong so fast? I'll tell you how! I got side tracked is how!

Can I just blame someone else for everything? Nope I can't. I have to find my strength. I am after all a strong person whom everyone relay's on. I can't fail even if fail is a Master word in my vocabulary. I have to move forward and fast or I will be done for. In all actuality, I'm scared. I'm scared of what my Bipolar is doing to me. Unlike most, I am so grateful that I don't have the episodes that are so bad that they are hospitalized, but does that make my Bipolar any less off then theirs? No it doesn't! It just means I have mine more under control then most do.

Bipolar Disorder for Dummies

I am very grateful for that fact to. I function well, don't end up in the hospital, but I do self mutilate to no end. Another thing that plays in to all this; I refuse to go to the hospital due to no insurance, which may be a bad thing since everyone says going to the hospital is one sure fire way of getting Disability. So I don't know, nor do I have the answers.

Side note: I think I write better and am more organized when in Depressed Mode. LOL. Manic mode, like today, just places me all over the map, or someone is playing a cruel cruel joke on me today. LOL.

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