As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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If you are having thoughts of death or suicide, call 1–800–273–8255 (TALK), or if you need immediate assistance, call 911 or go to a hospital emergency room
"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Bad Day

This morning I woke up feeling pretty awesome! Stayed up till the wee hours of the morning kicking mom and Dave's asses in Euchure and UNO. Laughed my ass off and every sprayed water on Dave when I lost it in a laughing fit. All in all I would say it was a pretty terrific night. I woke up feeling refreshed and happy.

For no known reason, that all crashed around me about an hour ago. All I want to do is self mutilate and harm myself in the craziest ways. I am actually afraid of myself at this moment. I feel like my world is crashing down around me and it is. My thoughts are very hectic and out of control. I don't know what to do and I have no one I can turn to to talk to. All 3 of my friends are far away or have problems of their own or are at a place where they can't be reached.

Then to top it off, my mom has convinced my Aunt that I do a wonderful job selling shit so if "she needs something done, have Lori do it". Like I need more bullshit added to the way I am feeling right now. I mean, I have to drive an hour each way to my Aunts house, take the pictures, price her shit, and do the descriptions, then put it all online and have the people contact me to set it all up because they don't want to do it themselves nor do they want to take direction to complete the task.

Yes I am in a severe depressed mood!

I miss the days when I wasn't so depressed, the days when I could function like a fucking normal person. I want my sanity back! I can't sit around all damn day tearful and ready to burst out crying like I fucking am. I'm tired when I should be proud of myself. Hell I did all my assignment for class by yesterday and they aren't even due till Thursday. Damn right I should be proud of me, but I'm not. I hate me right now.

My Bipolar tries to control me and my life. I don't let it, but it seems to take over regardless of wether I want it to or not. I'm tired of having uncontrolled Bipolar and other Mental Illnesses. I'm tired of feeling so low in my life. I do great things for a few months, then bam, back down again I go. While manic episodes seem to get me into trouble, I would much rather have one right now then feel as suicidal as I am feeling. Life can not go on like this, but yet it seems to.

Where is my happy middle ground? I try to do good things but yet I can't focus or stay focused. I'm tired of fighting me. I'm tired of living the way that I am. Being broke, feeling like a worthless piece of shit. I know I am better then that. I know I am better then all of this!

Till another day!

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