As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

Need Immediate Help?

If you are having thoughts of death or suicide, call 1–800–273–8255 (TALK), or if you need immediate assistance, call 911 or go to a hospital emergency room
"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Friday, January 8, 2010

My Chaotic Bipolar Mind

With the chaos that plays in my mind, thanks in part to Bipolar, I have a hard time living this wonderful life sentence. (Yes I am being a smart ass when I say it's wonderful. ) I have my up and down days, my where in the hell am I days, as well as my crazy days and lets not forget my total isolation days. Trust me if I could have a kitchenette in my room no one would probably see me for months. I live my life pretty much in total isolation, except when I have to go to group or to see my grandma. I have little contact with anyone outside of the house, except for when I talk to people online.

My online friends are sometimes a joy, a lifesaver, and even a hindrance to me. They are there when I need someone to talk to, to vent to, and yes even to nurture me. But what they can't understand is that I have Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, and a few other diagnosed mental illnesses that I deal with on a daily basis and when I don't answer them via email or instant messenger they seem to get offened or pissy even. How the hell do you tell someone you will more then likely never meet these intamite things about you. Hell for the most part you don't even want to admit it to yourself, at least I don't.

Please take a moment to get up and go get something to drink as I am taking a moment since my mommy just brought me a blueberry & pineapple smoothie. LOL. YUMMY!!!!!

I hate admitting I have anything wrong with me, specially of the mental capacity. Everyone is always telling me how intelligent I am. I don't see it one bit. Well I take that back, I'm street smart but not book smart. In today's society, book smart is what counts.

Most days, with me I either love it or hate it, there is no middle ground, no gray spot. I'm black or white and nothing more. Hell if you read my journals most of them are all over the place with my writing. I can't stand the negativity that surrounds me but yet I am negative myself most of the time. I can't stand to be around people who are always crying and whining, but yet it seems like I do a lot of it. I can't stand to be around people who are always being "needy", but again, I am a "needy" person. I avoid people who don't need me to take care of them, but yet I don't want taken care of either.

I have no idea right now where I am going with this post for today, so I will just end it here.

Have a wonderful day!

No comments: