As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Dear Daddy Part 2

Dear Daddy;
I have 2 words for you today. FUCK YOU!
Yes I finally said it and I truly mean it. Your lack of need to be my father really sucks dad. Do you think that if I had been born a boy that you would have been a better father? I know one thing you would have spent more time with me if I had been a boy, that’s for damn sure. You always had no problem being there with Shawn and Jeff.  You coached their sports teams, went to their games, and yet you found it in yourself not to be involved with me.
I can remember one of my suicide attempts like it was yesterday. I put Keith Alan in the truck (he must have been about 5) and I drove like a mad woman down Forest Hills Road, hoping like hell I would lose control on one of the corners, instantly killing both of us. Luckily it didn’t happen and I made it to Tracy’s house, safe. I gave her my son and locked myself in her laundry room and refused to come out till she called you. You showed up and did nothing but complain about having to be there.
All I wanted was for you to tell me you love me. I wanted your affection that night and you weren’t even fucking man enough to hug your daughter! Yes I had problems then with you and I still have problems with you now.
I called you a few nights ago and you spoke to me less than 5 minutes. You were more worried I was going to ask you about money than anything. Why is that Dad? I haven’t asked you for anything in many years. I take that back, I have asked you for affection. To show me that you know how to be a dad to your daughter. That you have some sort of desire to be my dad and not just the boy’s dad.
What did I ever do to you besides being born that was so wrong? Do you think I’m the reason you had to get married? Do you feel I’m the reason your life started off so badly when you finally got the courage to move out into the real world? It’s not my fault that you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants with my mom! It’s not my fault that your childhood sucked and you had to grow up faster than most kids do! It’s not my fault that you never finished high school!
So why hold all these things against me? Why hold you’re fucked up life against me and turn your back on your family?
You and Mom are the reason my life started out so badly. You and mom are the reason I have Borderline Personality Disorder. LOL. For the first time in my life I can honestly blame you and mom for the way I have lived my life, sure not for my actions as those are mine, but for the way I perceive things, yep that yours and her fault. The difference between you and her is that she has stuck by me while you have just washed your hands of me and refuse to believe there is anything wrong with me. Mom tries to show me the right path while you just try to ignore me. But you can’t can you dad. My son living with you is proof that you have a daughter, a reminder that you have a fucked up kid somewhere out in the world.
So today I am making it “Fuck You Dad Day”!

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