My Day for Severe Depression

What is it about Holidays that seem to feed depression? The emptiness? The feeling of everyone else being happy when your sad for no reason? All the above and other reasons? I HATE THE WAY I"M FEELING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

Depression is hitting me severely today! I feel so alone even though I know if I need to talk my mom is in the next room to talk to. For some reason though I can't bring myself to open up to her. Today I want to cut and am thinking thoughts of suicide. Very UNLIKE me! I haven't wanted to cut for over 4 months and I haven't felt suicidal in years. Today I am both.

The day started off great even if I was bothered by the fact I couldn't make the normal easter baskets for people that I so love to do. I got up, helped mom in the kitchen (even though she gave me the day off from cooking! LOL), went to church with her and even spoke up when the preacher asked if anyone else would like to say a prayer or praise ( I told the congregation that I wanted to thank my mom for being my rock over the last 6 months of recovery, started crying so I fumbled my words, I wanted to run up the isle and hug her right then and there but held off till after church), came home and ate lunch with the preach and my family, napped, woke up and called my son.

Calling my son was the clincher for me. He sounded so depressed and just like me, his is over money. How could I tell him I can't help him when I can't even help myself? Tomorrow my school laptop goes to the pawnshop to make my truck payment! I'm so fucking sick of living this way! School starts in a week and I have to turn my laptop over to a pawnshop. I know I'll have May and Junes payments as my student loan money comes in mid-May, but for April's payment its off to the pawnshop and I still won't have it all. I have a strong feeling that this time I will lose it to the pawn shop as all my monies go to my truck payment. That in itself is depressing, but add my son's depression and the guilt I feel makes me even more depressed. I hate it! To top it off, I'm out of ALL my medicines and my phone goes off tomorrow too. Life is so fucking grand! I can not and will NOT lose my truck.

I've been applying for jobs, trying to get my foot in the door by offering my services as a volunteer even. No one though wants to hire someone who has an unstable work history, no matter how long they have been in the same field or industry!

I do want to apologize for being so negative today. I try to keep my blog as happy sounding as I am, but I'm no longer happy. I've tried so hard to stay upbeat and positive, but it just doesn't want to work that way for me. I know it isn't going to happen over night, but how do you stay positive when everything is going wrong and no matter how hard you try to change what is wrong nothing seems to go right even in the tiniest.

I feel it's time to stop this negative blog as I am eating and crying even more as I'm writing it. I have a lot more to say tonight, but fear it will trigger me even more then it has, so I'm on to my grateful list.

1) I am grateful for the 3 dogs in the house. They seem to know when I need a lick or a nudge to keep me going.
2) I am grateful for being able to hear the kids laughter and squeals as they found Easter eggs.
3) I am extremely grateful today for having my WRAP toolkit and my DBT toolbox.
4) I am grateful that I haven't tried to hurt myself today.
5) I am very grateful for being able to vent my frustrations to those who read my blog...