Dear Daddy Part 2

Dear Daddy;

I have 2 words for you today. FUCK YOU!

Yes I finally said it and I truly mean it. Your lack of need to be my father really sucks dad. Do you think that if I had been born a boy that you would have been a better father? I know one thing you would have spent more time with me if I had been a boy, that’s for damn sure. You always had no problem being there with Shawn and Jeff.  You coached their sports teams, went to their games, and yet you found it in yourself not to be involved with me.

I can remember one of my suicide attempts like it was yesterday. I put Keith Alan in the truck (he must have been about 5) and I drove like a mad woman down Forest Hills Road, hoping like hell I would lose control on one of the corners, instantly killing both of us. Luckily it didn’t happen and I made it to Tracy’s house, safe. I gave her my son and locked myself in her laundry room and refused to come out till she called you. You showed up and did nothing but complain about having to be there.

All I wanted was for you to tell me you love me. I wanted your affection that night and you weren’t even fucking man enough to hug your daughter! Yes I had problems then with you and I still have problems with you now.

I called you a few nights ago and you spoke to me less than 5 minutes. You were more worried I was going to ask you about money than anything. Why is that Dad? I haven’t asked you for anything in many years. I take that back, I have asked you for affection. To show me that you know how to be a dad to your daughter. That you have some sort of desire to be my dad and not just the boy’s dad.

What did I ever do to you besides being born that was so wrong? Do you think I’m the reason you had to get married? Do you feel I’m the reason your life started off so badly when you finally got the courage to move out into the real world? It’s not my fault that you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants with my mom! It’s not my fault that your childhood sucked and you had to grow up faster than most kids do! It’s not my fault that you never finished high school!

So why hold all these things against me? Why hold you’re fucked up life against me and turn your back on your family?

You and Mom are the reason my life started out so badly. You and mom are the reason I have Borderline Personality Disorder. LOL. For the first time in my life I can honestly blame you and mom for the way I have lived my life, sure not for my actions as those are mine, but for the way I perceive things, yep that yours and her fault. The difference between you and her is that she has stuck by me while you have just washed your hands of me and refuse to believe there is anything wrong with me. Mom tries to show me the right path while you just try to ignore me. But you can’t can you dad. My son living with you is proof that you have a daughter, a reminder that you have a fucked up kid somewhere out in the world.

So today I am making it “Fuck You Dad Day”!

A New Beginning... School

I am so nervous, yet so excited. Today marks officially the first day of school for me. I am going for my Bachelor's in Psychology! So far I am a week ahead in my classes since I have ben working a head, that is what happens when you chose a all online school. You know your assignments way a head of time.

I am apprehensive due to the fact that reading over others posts I see them using words I can't get my mind around. Hell for the first assignment I had to have mom decipher a sentence for me in order to complete my tasks. Now mind you, I'm not a stupid person, but my mind doesn't focus or comprehend as it should. So I can see right now that this is going to be a issue for me.

Seeing all the big words that the others are using and me not knowing the definitions is a scary feeling, specially when I know that I have to go hand in hand with my laptop just to find the meanings of things in order to get by. I left my dictionary and thesaurus in Georgia, so I will have to carry my laptop at all times just to complete an offline task. LOL. Boy will I look funny having it like a leash around my neck.

So yes I am scared but extremely excited about returning to school....

A New Low... Bulimia

Overcoming Bulimia: Your Comprehensive, Step-By-Step Guide to Recovery (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)

I am out of cash, there for I can't buy the one thing that held me from all my other past addictions; smoking.  I can't afford to buy the cigerretes that kept me from drinking, wanting to do drugs, or from my food addictions. So I have started bingeing and purging.

I don't eat for days, then when I do eat, I eat mass amounts, then go vomit. Mom had every right to worry I would start doing that again. Because it came true.

As a teenager who was always over weight, bingeing and purging came in handy for me. My dad was constantly on my ass about my weight, my mom didnt really seem to care about it, my grandma always had me at TOPS or weight watchers meeting. All the while unbeknown to them I was bulimic. I was always a miserable fat kid! Specially since my family seemed to take it into their own hands to "force" me to go to these meetings and take diet pills, making my Bulimia even worse.

The summer before my junior year, I lost 110 pounds. I did it on a mixture of bingeing and purging and white crosses. I was happy, I then got a boyfriend, I actually went out and did things, then I got pregnant and gained all the weight back and then some. It has been down hill ever since.

Mom asked me a few weeks ago if I was bulimic again. I honestly answered her no, which was the case. Then about a week ago I ran out of cash and started digging myself raw and bingeing. Now I can't stop. Smoking for me has always been my addiction of choice since I had quit doing all the other things that are bad for you, ie: drugs, alcohol, sexual, food addictions, and yes even self mutilation. So for me smoking has had it benefitts.

Bulimics on Bulimia