No Resolutions, Just Gratefulness and New Beginnings

Last year, I didn't set any New Years Resolutions except to be happy in 2010. I made that resolution to some extent but for the most part, my life took off in a different direction, a direction that I learned to welcome with open arms. While I will never be fully recovered as most mental illnesses are biological, I can and do function on a daily basis in a pretty good fashion. That is where 2010 came in. 2010 has to be the best year that I ever had besides 1989 (the year my son was born). While I truly thought I was over doing it, I now know I was doing it for a reason. Last year I accomplished many many things that I never would have thought possible in any form. Yes I had bad days and months, but for once the good out weighed the bad. Which for me is a step in the right direction!

We all need hope. We all need to see a brighter future then the one we think we are looking into. Many of us don't know where to truly begin and we find ourselves giving up before we get started, that is what a mental illness does to you.

I have been doing a lot of "trying to help" others lately on facebook and Myspace, only to just come to the realization that I can't help everyone. It's very hard for me to back down and let these people go about trying to get the attention they want, for 2 different reasons; 1) I hate seeing people hurt and 2) being a peer support specialist it is my job to provide hope and to show others that they can recover if they give it a chance. Some you can tell want the help, others you can tell simply want the attention and will do whatever they can to get it. To me this is just wrong, but then I can remember the days when I would do whatever it took to get the attention I wanted regardless of how bad it was. The truth is, is that I don't know if these girls are serious or just craving the attention, which is another reason I can't stand by and let them go down the path they are headed which is death.

There were times when I thought I would go nuts for attention. I hated my father for not giving it to me and for the simple fact he was never around, so when I was with him I was semi-bad. When I was at my mom's I was worse when it came for wanting attention. When I was shipped off to my grandparents I didn't need attention, I knew I was their favorite. But as I got older I wanted a different kind of attention. I needed the attention that only abuse could bring because I had been abused in some manner most of my early life. This hatred, anger, and needed abuse would be what began as Borderline Personality Disorder for me.

*** I started this post in 2011, never published it, and have now decided to just do it.