The crazy inside my head

As a person with Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder, I am often confused as to which disorder is running my mind being as there is very little difference in the 2 of them. I once asked a Psychiatrist what the difference was between the two and the only answer he could give me was "one fell over the borderline". I left just as confused as I am today.

A few things I do know:

1. I stay with men that I eventually start hating and aren't good for me.
2. I leave or lie those who treat me the best, thinking I am not good enough for them. 
3. I self destruct when I see things aren't going as good as I am trying to make them.
4. I come down on myself very very hard, even though I know I shouldn't or didn't have a reason to.

On subject #1, I feel bad for the guys I am with when I truly don't want to be with them. I take pity on them and keep them around, leading them or controlling them. I wish I wasn't this way but I really don't know how to tell them to fuck off and find their own damn life and stop making mine miserable. Damn, I think I just found the way to say it. LOL. Nah, that's just to mean and deep down I know that isn't me anymore.  But I am finding that I have a desire to be open and honest with them and get the bad out of my life  in order for me to grow and move on. But damn it, why can't I say this!

Why in the hell do I allow my mind to control my actions? I can't stand this!

*** From 2011 and never published, till now.