As I go to counseling and talk to my family and friends, the truth of things that have happened to me or that I have done will come out. Some will be graphic, others sad, some might just be angering for others. For all this I am sorry, but it needs to come out so that people can understand where my depression and anger come from. There for I do want to apologize a head of time and please don't be afraid to comment or leave your thoughts on my Blog. Thank You.

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"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself" ~~Thomas Jefferson.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

It's me again Margaret...

Yes it is me. LOL. I know I haven't written in a while, but I have been extremely busy, depression has sank in (and I might add has lasted longer then normal), and as usual I have taken too many projects on.

The other day I got this email, it popped up and said reminder "it's so and so birthday". I haven't seen this person in 4 years and the last time we spoke was a year ago. That little reminder sent me into over-drive. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I  have no clue why. I guess I do have a clue as to why if I really think about it. Every time I drive by a historical site I think of them, every time I hear certain music it makes me think of them, and so much more. I wouldn't say I'm obsessed over them, but I remember how happy I was when I was with them and even when we were away from one another. No one has ever made me feel that way and as usual I pushed them away and ended it like a dumb-ass. Thank you for responding to my email.

Today has been a wild ride for me as I sit here and contemplate where I am today. I own my own company, am co-founder of NCAPS, go to school full-time, and am constantly striving for more, plus I work a full-time job. When am I going to learn that I have enough on my plate and need for no more? Is there something in life I'm looking for? Is there something I am not seeing?

I have this wild need to help anyone and everyone, even though I sometimes feel like a fake when I know in reality I am not. I have saved many people's lives, but for some reason I just can't save mine. Does that make me a hypocrite? I mean most days I feel great, like I can take on the world. Then my mind gets to thinking and asking itself if I am truly doing the right things. I'm judging myself when I know I shouldn't be. I'm holding on to things that I have allowed to hurt me, when I know I shouldn't, all because I have this damn need to feel wanted or needed. Let go Lori!

As a minister, I should be able to let go of everything that ails me and move forward, but instead I find myself lieing to myself to make me feel better. Isn't it about finding your higher power and letting go of your troubles? Maybe I haven't truly found my higher power like I thought I had. I let so much shit drag me down and hold me down. Damn I am tired of it. I need to start living for me!

For many years I spent a lot of time asking myself and others "why". It wouldn't just be about this or that, it would actually be somewhat intelligent questions but if you know me there would always be that not so intelligent "why" question thrown in there just for good measure. LOL. Those why questions went away for a long time, until today. Today the why questions are back and I have no clue as to how they got there. I was doing so damned well not judging myself, then double bam, it hit me today like a damn brick wall !

I don't trust myself! 

Hugs to you all who need them or even just want one....

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