For the most part I am a wonderfully happy person, who cherishes the Holidays. Yesterday and today I am a derangged animal waiting to be let out to terrorize people. Mainly my fucking step-father who cant seem to find it in that fucked up head of his to shut the fuck up for the first time in his life. The comments he makes are annoying,he criticizes everything and everyone, he is a rude person, he knows everything, and always has the noise up on his computer so he can hear this loud screaching noise every once in a while. I can hear him over my head phones and its driving me insane. I can not deal with him this year! Why doesn't his ass just go back on the road!
Normally I try to keep the peace for my moms sake. But he is really pushing my limits since he has been home. I was doing so damn good controling my temper to, but now all I want to do is smack the hell out of him. I really wish she would find her a different man, but for some reason she loves him and keeps him around. Mom did a nice thing and bought me a head set yesterday, as she knows I don't need his sarcastic mouth talking to me. He is critcal of everything.
Note to bloggers; Some who is an Associopath and Someone with Bipolar DO NOT MIX WELL
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Bipolar and Bad Things
They say bad things happen in 3's and for myself and my family, that proved to be true last night.
1) The sink clogged, we had to go get a snake, and it took me about an hour to get it completely unglogged. My mom bitching and complaing the entire time. I however remained calm (highly unusual for me) and just started saying "yes mom, ok mom" to try to get her to calm down. She however didn't get happy for a few more hours.
Then
2) My truck broke down. I again remained calm while mom started pacing around the yard and talking on her cell phone. Needless to say, the truck is still broke down, but I am still smiling. I gave Tiger a long pep talk this morning before I started her, a couple of rubs, and a kiss, then I cranked her. Nope she won't be starting for a bit. LOL. But I'm still happy and smiling.
Mom jinxed us, last night she made the comment, "what else can go wrong". Well the third thing:
3) My step father has just finished his drivers training and is coming home from New Orleans via Greyhound. About 5am he heard his phone start ringing, but chose to ignore it. Big mistake! When he woke up at 7:30am, he reached in his pocket to call mom and his phone was gone. Someone had stolen his phone! I'm still smiling as mom is cussing and bitching. LOL. They had just bought these brand new phones, don't have insurance, and because Dave's phone is the primary, they had to shut down moms to. LOL. But yet I am still smiling.
By now, I would normally be so pissed off at everything that I would have been in a very bad self mutiliating session complete with hair pulling and massive amounts of cussing. But I'm still smiling and its not even a fake or forced smile.
I am very proud of myself!
1) The sink clogged, we had to go get a snake, and it took me about an hour to get it completely unglogged. My mom bitching and complaing the entire time. I however remained calm (highly unusual for me) and just started saying "yes mom, ok mom" to try to get her to calm down. She however didn't get happy for a few more hours.
Then
2) My truck broke down. I again remained calm while mom started pacing around the yard and talking on her cell phone. Needless to say, the truck is still broke down, but I am still smiling. I gave Tiger a long pep talk this morning before I started her, a couple of rubs, and a kiss, then I cranked her. Nope she won't be starting for a bit. LOL. But I'm still happy and smiling.
Mom jinxed us, last night she made the comment, "what else can go wrong". Well the third thing:
3) My step father has just finished his drivers training and is coming home from New Orleans via Greyhound. About 5am he heard his phone start ringing, but chose to ignore it. Big mistake! When he woke up at 7:30am, he reached in his pocket to call mom and his phone was gone. Someone had stolen his phone! I'm still smiling as mom is cussing and bitching. LOL. They had just bought these brand new phones, don't have insurance, and because Dave's phone is the primary, they had to shut down moms to. LOL. But yet I am still smiling.
By now, I would normally be so pissed off at everything that I would have been in a very bad self mutiliating session complete with hair pulling and massive amounts of cussing. But I'm still smiling and its not even a fake or forced smile.
I am very proud of myself!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Proud of Myself!
Tonight my Tiger's starter went bad (for those of you who don't know Tiger, she is my truck). I didn't cuss, scream, or even kick her. I calmy tried to find the started in the dark to pound on it and try to get her started. Couldn't find it in the dark, so that was the end of me trying to get anywhere. Needless to say, I am broke so I don't know when she will be up and running again, but that didn't throw me into a whirle wind either. I calm, I am in control, I am still plesantly happy. I even kissed my Tiger's hood for the night before giving up on her. LOL My mom told me I was a sick bitch for doing it too. LOL
I felt like a surgeon working on a patient for the first time; my hands shook, sweat running down my face as I searched for the entry point to my baby. Couldn't find it in the dark though. LOL. Guess it's time to buy more flash lights or better batteries, oh and more tools. After all she does have 135,000 miles on her, I think it's time she will start needing a tweaking here and there.
But I can honestly say for once, I am proud of myself for keeping my cool, not throwing a temper tantrum, there was no screaming or cussing involved either. Maybe the DBT classes are working after all. Another first for me: is that I told myself I am proud of me! It will happen again someday! I know it will.
I felt like a surgeon working on a patient for the first time; my hands shook, sweat running down my face as I searched for the entry point to my baby. Couldn't find it in the dark though. LOL. Guess it's time to buy more flash lights or better batteries, oh and more tools. After all she does have 135,000 miles on her, I think it's time she will start needing a tweaking here and there.
But I can honestly say for once, I am proud of myself for keeping my cool, not throwing a temper tantrum, there was no screaming or cussing involved either. Maybe the DBT classes are working after all. Another first for me: is that I told myself I am proud of me! It will happen again someday! I know it will.
Think Before you act, instead of, acting before you think.
Unstable Mind
Mindfulness and the Therapeutic Relationship
My mind is very unstable today. I don't know why as nothing is going on that would or could bring such unsettling feels. I hate these types of days, as I don't know what to do with myself. Should I go clean, crawl back into bed, or run around the block? Yea right! Like I am going to run around the block. LOL. I need this damn thing settled. These are the types of days where I just want to pull my hair out and sit in a corner and cry. I fucking can't stand them. Give me a manic day or a depressive day over this anytime!
My mind is very unstable today. I don't know why as nothing is going on that would or could bring such unsettling feels. I hate these types of days, as I don't know what to do with myself. Should I go clean, crawl back into bed, or run around the block? Yea right! Like I am going to run around the block. LOL. I need this damn thing settled. These are the types of days where I just want to pull my hair out and sit in a corner and cry. I fucking can't stand them. Give me a manic day or a depressive day over this anytime!
My Willingness and Willfulness Life
These two confuse the hell out of me, because I am both. But yes I am one more then the other, I'll let you figure them out. Maybe I'll place a poll on my blog just to see what you think the answer is.
I am one of those people who will put a smile on their face, and go do whatever is asked of them, no matter how much I don't want to. I spend 99% of my life taking care of others, when damn it, I want someone who wants to help "take care" of me. I put it that way because I am a big girl, I don't need someone watching over me and micro managing my life. I do know how to do things, I just NEED to be loved. I NEED a partner who wants to work with me. I NEED to stop taking care of every one all the time and let a lot of the people find their own life and stop spoiling them. Damn I need someone to spoil me for a change. LOL
First Thing I am grateful for: ( I will mix them in as I go)
1) I am grateful for the fact I can be myself no matter who likes or don't like it.
Do I know how too true I feel that is? No I don't. While I could care less what people think of me, I for some reason go out of my way to make sure they like me. I hate that I do that. I have this knack, this need to make sure everyone thinks I'm better then I feel I am. Bad form Lori!
1) I am submissive to friends and family. I go out of my way to please them. My mom tells me all the time I don't have to serve her, but I feel like I can never do enough for her. Same with my grandma, she tells me I don't need to come see her everyday, but I feel I owe her more then that. They are now in a small battle about who wants me to live where the most. LOL. My grandma is 84 and can not live by herself due to her falling, stroke, and her being frail. They both tell me how grateful they are for my help, I feel like a lap dog waiting to be petted or scratched behind the ears.
2) I have to have everything my way or I get pissy. I once told a guy, "no matter how wrong I am, I'm always right!" LOL. I hate to be proved wrong or admit when I am wrong, but then who doesn't. By being told I am wrong, I feel like I am stupid and boy does that piss me right the fuck off. Even when I'm wrong, I'm right.
3) I can't stand rejection, in any form. My father rejects me from his life and that all but kills me. It makes me feel so unworthy.
4) When people tell me what a good job I have done, I feel like they are bullshitting me. I feel like they are trying to appease me to make themselves feel better or that they have some form of a hidden agenda. I hate that I can't take people at their word and accept it for what it is. My buddy "L" says sometimes I need to accept things for what they are and leave it at that. I can not do this as I am such an inquisitive person.
5)If things dont seem to be going my way, I make drama to get my way. The things I do vary by the level of me wanting something.
Went to see Dr. Satter today, she of course wanted to know why my PDoc put me on a medicine that can cause heart attacks and strokes when I have a history of both. Se then preceeded to write out the scripts I need for my medicine. Why in the hell she would do that is beyond me as I don't have the $302.00 to get them and I told her so. Good thing my Psych Medicine so far is available as a sample as I priced it today and it was over $400.00 for a months supply.
6) I am vindictful. I will pay people back for wrong doing. But here is the sad part: They might not have been the ones to do anything to me. Someone can piss me off, I will feel threatened, and I'll take it out on the wrong person. Most days I feel like everyone is out to get me. So I retaliate on everyone.
7) I have an opinion about everything, right or wrong. Doesn't matter if I know what I'm talking about or not, I still have that opinion and I share it with everyone.
8) I get so sick of taking crap from everyone. With my family its, "Oh grammy's sick, I don't want to take care of her, so you go do it Lori". Fuck You! I took care of my great-grammy, she died in my arms cause her own kids didn't want to take care of her. Thats what I see happening with my grammy now. My uncle stays in his state, Auntie comes home from Canada when need be, my mom has a job and works so I feel I need to lift the burden for her.
9) Im intelligent, don't use it or know how to channel it. I'm creative, but again don't know how to use it or channel it. Nothing I do in my mind is good enough or right. It's a hell I play with myself.
More Grateful Statements....
2) I am grateful for the ability to read. I think if I couldn't read, I'd go nuts, oh wait I am partially nuts anyway. LOL
3) I am grateful for the ability to cook. If it weren't for my cooking skills, half the people I know wouldn't gain weight while with me. LOL
4) I am grateful for being able to be accomidating for those around me.
5) I am grateful for the fact that I am lovable.
I am one of those people who will put a smile on their face, and go do whatever is asked of them, no matter how much I don't want to. I spend 99% of my life taking care of others, when damn it, I want someone who wants to help "take care" of me. I put it that way because I am a big girl, I don't need someone watching over me and micro managing my life. I do know how to do things, I just NEED to be loved. I NEED a partner who wants to work with me. I NEED to stop taking care of every one all the time and let a lot of the people find their own life and stop spoiling them. Damn I need someone to spoil me for a change. LOL
First Thing I am grateful for: ( I will mix them in as I go)
1) I am grateful for the fact I can be myself no matter who likes or don't like it.
Do I know how too true I feel that is? No I don't. While I could care less what people think of me, I for some reason go out of my way to make sure they like me. I hate that I do that. I have this knack, this need to make sure everyone thinks I'm better then I feel I am. Bad form Lori!
1) I am submissive to friends and family. I go out of my way to please them. My mom tells me all the time I don't have to serve her, but I feel like I can never do enough for her. Same with my grandma, she tells me I don't need to come see her everyday, but I feel I owe her more then that. They are now in a small battle about who wants me to live where the most. LOL. My grandma is 84 and can not live by herself due to her falling, stroke, and her being frail. They both tell me how grateful they are for my help, I feel like a lap dog waiting to be petted or scratched behind the ears.
2) I have to have everything my way or I get pissy. I once told a guy, "no matter how wrong I am, I'm always right!" LOL. I hate to be proved wrong or admit when I am wrong, but then who doesn't. By being told I am wrong, I feel like I am stupid and boy does that piss me right the fuck off. Even when I'm wrong, I'm right.
3) I can't stand rejection, in any form. My father rejects me from his life and that all but kills me. It makes me feel so unworthy.
4) When people tell me what a good job I have done, I feel like they are bullshitting me. I feel like they are trying to appease me to make themselves feel better or that they have some form of a hidden agenda. I hate that I can't take people at their word and accept it for what it is. My buddy "L" says sometimes I need to accept things for what they are and leave it at that. I can not do this as I am such an inquisitive person.
5)If things dont seem to be going my way, I make drama to get my way. The things I do vary by the level of me wanting something.
Went to see Dr. Satter today, she of course wanted to know why my PDoc put me on a medicine that can cause heart attacks and strokes when I have a history of both. Se then preceeded to write out the scripts I need for my medicine. Why in the hell she would do that is beyond me as I don't have the $302.00 to get them and I told her so. Good thing my Psych Medicine so far is available as a sample as I priced it today and it was over $400.00 for a months supply.
6) I am vindictful. I will pay people back for wrong doing. But here is the sad part: They might not have been the ones to do anything to me. Someone can piss me off, I will feel threatened, and I'll take it out on the wrong person. Most days I feel like everyone is out to get me. So I retaliate on everyone.
7) I have an opinion about everything, right or wrong. Doesn't matter if I know what I'm talking about or not, I still have that opinion and I share it with everyone.
8) I get so sick of taking crap from everyone. With my family its, "Oh grammy's sick, I don't want to take care of her, so you go do it Lori". Fuck You! I took care of my great-grammy, she died in my arms cause her own kids didn't want to take care of her. Thats what I see happening with my grammy now. My uncle stays in his state, Auntie comes home from Canada when need be, my mom has a job and works so I feel I need to lift the burden for her.
9) Im intelligent, don't use it or know how to channel it. I'm creative, but again don't know how to use it or channel it. Nothing I do in my mind is good enough or right. It's a hell I play with myself.
More Grateful Statements....
2) I am grateful for the ability to read. I think if I couldn't read, I'd go nuts, oh wait I am partially nuts anyway. LOL
3) I am grateful for the ability to cook. If it weren't for my cooking skills, half the people I know wouldn't gain weight while with me. LOL
4) I am grateful for being able to be accomidating for those around me.
5) I am grateful for the fact that I am lovable.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Bipolar Makes the World Go Round
Today is one of those days when everything just feels "blah", if you know what I mean. DBT Group sucked as usual, my life sucks as usual, I'm a broke biotch, and I lack in ambition. Ah but then who doesn't. LOL. At least I still have my humor and that is what counts.
Talked my girl "M" today and I flat out told her I was a negative Nellie. LOL. She came back with different names for. I'll just flat out say what it is to me. But yea know, as much as shit sucks right now, I am still smiling and laughing. To me that's what counts. I know I need to be positive for positive things to happen, but truthfully no one can be positive 24/7 and still be sane. LOL
On a positive note, I asked for something outloud from my buddy, and I got it from another person unexpected. That to me was a shock and it got me to thinking about the laws of attraction and if they were really true or not.
Law of Attraction: The Science of Attracting More of What You Want and Less of What You Don't
Its hard to believe that something so simple could happen like that. If the Law of Attraction is true, why do so many people lead such negetive lives. Something for me to ponder on, as if I dont think about enough deep shit. LOL.
Mom and i rented a very bad movie tonight, I had a hard time keeping my mind on it. But as I was sitting there letting it wander off, I decided to try one of the exercises that I learned in Group and that is when your mind wanders off like that, rein it back in to what you are doing at that point. What I found is, while I can rein it back in, my mind seems to be thinking of itself and wanders off again. In the 2 hours it took to watch that movie, I ended up pulling myself back to it about evey 5 minutes. Tough, but I did it. Makes you wonder if someone might actually know what their talking about. LOL. I'm sure over time and with proper training I will be able to get my mind on the right track. Don't get me wrong, I bet on the occasion my mind will do what it wants, regardless of what I want, but that won't matter any more as I will know how to control it.
I haven't had a thought in my head about cutting lately. Sure the urge is always there, but I have to have the desire if I am going to do something like that and self mutilating has not been on my agenda. I realy don't feel like bleeding right now, sure I could use a good self mutilating session, but thats not where I want to be. I want to be free of mutilating, free of the pain I have afterward, free of the mindset, free of the mess I have to clean up later on down the road. I DON'T WANT TO SELF MUTILATE ANY MORE!!!!!!! On the truth side of things, I know it's not gone from my life, but I know I will beat the 3 years I was clean of self mutilating. I have that strength, that power! I control me, not my cutting.
The Attraction Distraction: Why the Law of Attraction Isn't Working for You and How to Get Results -
My grateful list tonight includes:
1) I am grateful for wonderful friends. I am up to 3 now. LOL. I'm growing in numbers.
2) I'm grateful for the Christmas Miracle that happened today with positive thinking.
3) I'm grateful for the fact I get to go back to school.
4) I'm grateful that things are looking up for me with my DBT Group.
5) I'm gratefrul for the fact tomorrow I get to take Grammy to get her hair done. LOL.
Have to throw the funny ones in there a time or two. LOL. Okay serious thought now: Wonder if Santa will bring me my Christmas wishes, after all I have been semi naughty this year. LOL. Please Santa, I need that gym membership!
To write another day!!!
Talked my girl "M" today and I flat out told her I was a negative Nellie. LOL. She came back with different names for. I'll just flat out say what it is to me. But yea know, as much as shit sucks right now, I am still smiling and laughing. To me that's what counts. I know I need to be positive for positive things to happen, but truthfully no one can be positive 24/7 and still be sane. LOL
On a positive note, I asked for something outloud from my buddy, and I got it from another person unexpected. That to me was a shock and it got me to thinking about the laws of attraction and if they were really true or not.
Law of Attraction: The Science of Attracting More of What You Want and Less of What You Don't
Its hard to believe that something so simple could happen like that. If the Law of Attraction is true, why do so many people lead such negetive lives. Something for me to ponder on, as if I dont think about enough deep shit. LOL.
I haven't had a thought in my head about cutting lately. Sure the urge is always there, but I have to have the desire if I am going to do something like that and self mutilating has not been on my agenda. I realy don't feel like bleeding right now, sure I could use a good self mutilating session, but thats not where I want to be. I want to be free of mutilating, free of the pain I have afterward, free of the mindset, free of the mess I have to clean up later on down the road. I DON'T WANT TO SELF MUTILATE ANY MORE!!!!!!! On the truth side of things, I know it's not gone from my life, but I know I will beat the 3 years I was clean of self mutilating. I have that strength, that power! I control me, not my cutting.
The Attraction Distraction: Why the Law of Attraction Isn't Working for You and How to Get Results -
My grateful list tonight includes:
1) I am grateful for wonderful friends. I am up to 3 now. LOL. I'm growing in numbers.
2) I'm grateful for the Christmas Miracle that happened today with positive thinking.
3) I'm grateful for the fact I get to go back to school.
4) I'm grateful that things are looking up for me with my DBT Group.
5) I'm gratefrul for the fact tomorrow I get to take Grammy to get her hair done. LOL.
Have to throw the funny ones in there a time or two. LOL. Okay serious thought now: Wonder if Santa will bring me my Christmas wishes, after all I have been semi naughty this year. LOL. Please Santa, I need that gym membership!
To write another day!!!
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